Can I breathe?! Can I ?!

I vent to some people about things going on in my life. But it doesn't help, its just good knowing I have people who will stop the world to listen to me! I love you! But it does me no good when I can't vent to the people who puts most of this stress on me!! Fidel, Alex and my grandmother. I got a call from my lawyers office today asking if I had paid that money that I owed that co-parenting guy ($375) "No I haven't" ~ "When are you going to pay it?" ~ "I have to see how my check is going to look Friday" ~ "You know we have court tomorrow and this is seriously hurting your case" ~ "I know I am doing the best I can" ~ "Ok if Gracie has any questions she'll call you" END CALL. Hold on, maybe I'm not reaching far enough up my.... OK Ok ok... I've calmed down a bit, held back much needed tears! Its not my lawyers fault but this guy keeps writing bad reports to the court about me saying "I am not complying with the courts orders..." Ummmmm I would comply IF I HAD THE MONEY!!!!!!!
Can the world just stop for a while, while I rob a bank or something?? Come ON, no one will know!! I know I'm not brave enough EVEN if I had the perfect plan! But it sure sounds nice! I have had my head up and made it this long, but I just can't take anymore!! My son needed shoes so I bought him shoes . Its like every time I get my children what they need SOMETHING SOMETHING always makes me feel guilty for doing it!!! My ex isn't paying any co-pays, he waits for them to come to my house and I take them spending AT LEAST $50!! I don't have money! But he brags all day long that "I've got money, I'm not hurting for anything" Duhhh you a** the kids are!!!
Ok, I need to get off this blog, I am about to let out a side of me NO ONE has seen! I hate being this way, I need to breathe! A DAY JUST FOR ME! I'm always working OT, taking care of the kids, cleaning, cooking, washing, ect!! WHAT ABOUT ME!
*crying*
Today is not a good day!