I need to stop/start

I need to stop giving ya'll half the story and start updating more often! haha Its just a long hectic journey I am traveling and I see it coming to an end, the only thing I can't shake is the feeling of "uncertainty" I have of not knowing what's going to happen. Will this be a journey I can look back and I wish I did things different and I would have my children? Will God forgive me and give me what I need and tell me, you have learned your lesson? Will I have to deal with the fact that ALL the choices I made will haunt me everyday I don't see my children? Or is this something I really have learned from and will always appreciate that lesson? What will happen?

I have been having really strange dreams lately and I can't figure them out. Its like while I am in the dream I am remember what each detail is representing but when I wake up I cant remember anything. Its always dark in my dreams now and usually that a strong sign of stress/depression/anxiety/sadness/ect.

Well today we were suppose to have our group meeting with the $150/hr guy but my ex cancelled on the 29th. Last minute of course. I honestly don't see a reason why he would need to cancel BUT I bet he will be at court today! If he can make it to court he should have made it to our appointment. The only reason I can come up with is that the $150/hr guy is suppose to report after our meeting today to the court and of course my ex doesn't want to "corporate" with me and Alex and he doesn't want that report to the court, at least today. SO he is post-poning it. I may just be thinking too hard but I think that's what he's doing. He has nothing on me really now. My ex-roommate called me last week and she is going to testify for me, my ex offered her money to lie against me AND she knows I gave my ex money for my children AND she took me on AT LEAST 3 occasions to try to get my children AND how I would do things for and with my children. Do you think that will help? YES I know so! And I think my ex found out that she will be there, so he is panicking. I think. Now don't get my wrong, I am not getting "big-headed" and pointing my finger going "I gotcha". I am just thinking/assuming that's what's happening. I am not in this to "win" I am in this to prove that I am a fit, great loving mother to my children and everything he is claiming is wrong. I am not going to let him "win" by lying. I am here for my children not to beat him!