Guilt maybe?

I am going to see Alex today and my mind it totally blank!  I had it all set on how I was going to tell him.  I got a letter from him yesterday and I guess I was reading it, taking in all the words he was writting to me and its like WOW he knows me!  He knows how I think, he knows what I will say to his responses and he answers me!  (get it?)  But the crazy thing is I dont know him!  How could I have spent about 3 years with him and not know his thoughts, his anything?  Who was I in love with?  Was it really love or just the feeling of having someone there?

Now the more I think about it, am I still around cause I feel guilty for telling him that I would be here for him, waiting for him and do anything I can to help him?  Cause if I leave him now I am going back on what I told him.  Granted he has done it to me PLENTY of times, but that's not me!  I always follow through, I dont make promises and not keep them unless something prevents me from possibly doing so.

I have prayed on it and the more I do the less I feel for him.  I dont know if that's God's way of letting me know he's not the one or I am doing it to myself cause its easier on me.  I know Im confused but all I know is that I do not want him living with me when he gets out, THAT I am not confused about.  Its the fact if I am wasting my time! 

I want to met a man that is into church, loves ME, loves my children, my children love him and I can depend on him and him on me!   I am not going to run out and go looking cause I know whether I am with Alex or not I am not ready for a relationship. I have to work on me first.  I have a lot of hurt and self-esteem 'issues' I need to work on.  I have a lot of things I need to take care of first with my children.  And maybe when the time is right and when the Lord knows Im ready, he'll come to me.  Cause Im sure God knows how hard-headed I am and I will not go to 'him' hahaha