Happy Be-lated Thanksgiving!

I know many of ya'll have been praying for me and I feel it everyday! Thank you so much! I ask for you to please continue to pray for me and my family! Thanksgiving without my children this year was hard, everyone had their children, enjoying on others company BUT my baby Alayna kept me busy though! I love that baby! Seeing her smiling face made me appreciate what I do have NOW! I don't have much but I do have TONS of things to be thankful for. Its like she knew she had a job to do, which was to keep me smiling and laughing, WHICH by the way she did a great job at! :D

I have a meeting with that $150/hr guy today. Its so funny, I don't call him by name but I ALWAYS call him the $150/hr guy! Hahaha well he is! Just in case you wanna know, his name is Mr. Craig. I'm hoping he hears me out and listens and understands what's happening. If my ex gets my children I will not be a part of their lives like a mother should! I mean come on think about it! Who do you remember most from your childhood?? You mother? or your father?? Even though my mother was not a big part of my life but I still love her and remember the little things we would do. I grew up close to my dad but when I think of the past for some odd reason I remember the times with my mother.

I love my children with all my heart! They are everything to me! I don't want to raise Alayna 1/3 of the time without her brother and sister! They are a very important part of her life too! You know I can go on and on about my children but its not ya'll I should be proving this too, its the courts! Ya'll know and have seen how much I love my children and its sad that I have to prove it to some strangers that know nothing about my relationship with them! But I will, not for me but for my children!

Too much....

Now there is so much going on, I don't know where to start or end on this.

One of my lawyers explained to me what exactly happened on Wednesday. I lost the chance to fight for full custody AND my testimony of Family Violence has been denied! Sooo basically I have no case at all. If joint custody is possible then I can share visitation 50-50 (the current schedule I have now). BUUUUT if they don't grant us joint custody then I basically have every other weekend with my children. All because I didn't pay that guy the $375 that he wanted.

My grandmother let me borrow the money and I paid him off Thursday early afternoon. So me and my lawyer are hoping she can appeal the judgment and the judge give me another chance to fight for my children. So I am in limbo here with my feelings and won't know anything till probably Dec 1st.

I lost! How?!?! WHY?

You know, I am not angry at God, there's no way I could be! My grandmother told me as I walked through the door after work yesterday "Fidel picked up Serina and said 'come on we are going to celebrate' and I thought that was strange". So instantly, I called my lawyer (because they conveniently didn't call me) and my lawyer basically went off on me! Why haven't you paid?!? You haven't even paid us? Why do you want custody of the kids?

I am seriously on the verge of cursing people out! Why would Fidel celebrate?!?! He is in this for ALL the wrong reasons!!!!! He is celebrating because he BEAT me! How can you lie, deceive and cheat and celebrate because you won?

I need to stop right now, I'm at work and the more I write about it the angrier I get.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray for our situation! Because its not only mine but my children's too!

Can I breathe?! Can I ?!

I vent to some people about things going on in my life. But it doesn't help, its just good knowing I have people who will stop the world to listen to me! I love you! But it does me no good when I can't vent to the people who puts most of this stress on me!! Fidel, Alex and my grandmother. I got a call from my lawyers office today asking if I had paid that money that I owed that co-parenting guy ($375) "No I haven't" ~ "When are you going to pay it?" ~ "I have to see how my check is going to look Friday" ~ "You know we have court tomorrow and this is seriously hurting your case" ~ "I know I am doing the best I can" ~ "Ok if Gracie has any questions she'll call you" END CALL. Hold on, maybe I'm not reaching far enough up my.... OK Ok ok... I've calmed down a bit, held back much needed tears! Its not my lawyers fault but this guy keeps writing bad reports to the court about me saying "I am not complying with the courts orders..." Ummmmm I would comply IF I HAD THE MONEY!!!!!!!
Can the world just stop for a while, while I rob a bank or something?? Come ON, no one will know!! I know I'm not brave enough EVEN if I had the perfect plan! But it sure sounds nice! I have had my head up and made it this long, but I just can't take anymore!! My son needed shoes so I bought him shoes . Its like every time I get my children what they need SOMETHING SOMETHING always makes me feel guilty for doing it!!! My ex isn't paying any co-pays, he waits for them to come to my house and I take them spending AT LEAST $50!! I don't have money! But he brags all day long that "I've got money, I'm not hurting for anything" Duhhh you a** the kids are!!!
Ok, I need to get off this blog, I am about to let out a side of me NO ONE has seen! I hate being this way, I need to breathe! A DAY JUST FOR ME! I'm always working OT, taking care of the kids, cleaning, cooking, washing, ect!! WHAT ABOUT ME!
*crying*
Today is not a good day!