I went to a friends place last night with my baby and had some nachos!  It was really good!  My baby of course was just running in circles... lots of space to run around in! hahaha  It was nice, lately I haven't been in the mood to stay home.  I made up reasons to get out this weekend.  And I think I finally know why.  Well I think its me coming home alone, ya know. 

And I know, I am still not ready for a relationship or anything.  Its just I didn't have anyone to talk to or I could relate to ya know.  My baby isn't talking yet and I can't really have a conversation with her! hahaha  Even if I could, I don't need her knowing her mommy is crazy! hahaha

I think about Alex getting out all the time.  He told me at visit that if I don't let go of the past then we'll never work.  But I don't want to let go, its what keeping me strong and I think I am just protecting myself.  I don't even know if I want to be with him.  Why does he deserve ANOTHER chance?  He even said it himself, after Mothers Day (by the way I spent alone unpacking my stuff in MY apartment and eating baloney sandwiches with my baby while he was out eating with HIS mother and going to a bar-b-que because "I wasn't his mother and mother's day is for HIS mother")  he knew and saw the change in me.  I didn't not put up with anything anymore, I didn't care what he said or what he did, I started doing my own thing and I wouldn't 'get his permission' anymore, after all I am 'only his babymomma and not his wife'.  He knew we were done but he didn't want to let go.  He said that he refused to believe that I was done with him.  Now he is locked up and I have been his only supporter and NOW Im his everything.  I told him that I don't believe anything, he wants me to let go of 3 years of pain so that we would work it out!  Why?  Even if he has changed, why does he deserve me again?  I gave him everything, I was ALWAYS by his side, trying to help him better himself and see what his children need from him.   The main reason why I have supported him while he is in jail is because I need him to be a man and see how his children need him.  I am not out to hurt him but whether we are together or not, he needs to be the man his children need!