WOW, What a scare!!

Ok most of ya'll know what happened this morning. For those of you I was not able to contact, I thought we were going to have the baby! Noticed how I said WE, hahahaha!! Well I had some pains yesterday and when I left work I tried to eat but it didn't help any. I went to church last night and my pains just started getting worse and worse, left church early and went home took a nice warm/hot shower and went to bed. I could not sleep at all, I was up throwing up and could not get into a comfortable position if my life depended on me! I was trying to wait until my water broke or something before I freaked out and went to hospital, but I couldn't handle the pain in my stomache and my back anymore so I called my doctor and he told me to go to Labor and Delivery. In my head I was like "Im not ready, I still have bills to pay up on before I take leave!!" but here I go, heading to the hospital expecting the baby to come into the world! But NOOOOO I had food poisoning! Thank God but wow how painful!!! I've never had food poisoning before and I hope to God I don't ever have it again!! Oh and then when I call my job Mrs LaJuana calls me back and says "You need to come in DAMN IT! We have a surprise baby shower planned for you and you can't take it back!! hahaha" I started crying at the thought of someone/people really were going to throw me a shower, Me?, I still have sooo much to get for the baby and I was trying to budget and figure out when I can get the needed things for her!

Well I should be able to post later today, my baby shower is about to start in 30 mins. IM SO EXCITED!! Oh yea I am at work, I don't have any hours to use up and we are on a "Point System" so I don't have many points to spare before I loose my job.

LOVE YA!!!

Its hard but Im still going!

Well since my last blog, I have been doing great. My situations haven't changed they have actually started to get a little worse but I still feel good and strong! My son has the flu which ya'll can imagine how I spent my Valentines. My poor baby, he was so sick and in so much pain. I wish I could stay home with him and take care of him but unfortunately Im not rich and I have to make sure I keep my job. I picked up my little girl for a little bit and had to take her back to A*hoe a couple of hours later because I can't have her getting sick too. :( But I still spent my Valentines with my children so Im good.

I had to stop by Alex's house this morning to drop off my little girls clothes that she has to go back in and guess what his car wasn't there. Immediately I starting getting angry thinking he has MY baby girl with him at that "girl's" apartment. It hurts knowing he is still with her but Im not all "why isn't he with me" or anything like that. I think Im still going to hurt for a little bit but I am not letting it affect me. Does that make sense to ya'll?? Well when I knocked on the door they answered and I asked where my little girl was. THANK GOD!! As soon as I asked that here she comes wanting mama to hold her. Ya'll just don't know how relieved I was!! My baby was where she was suppose to be! Well I had to drive by that "girls" apartment to get to my sisters apartment so I can drop my son off with her and yep I saw his car there. No surprise. I wrote him a text and saying "I appreciate that you didn't take mija with you while you went to be with your girl. But I don't want to hear from you that you don't get to spend time with mija" and that was it! A couple of days ago he got upset because I spent the whole weekend with my children and didn't answer his calls on Saturday night and he tried to put a guilt trip on me saying how he missed out on the first couple of years of her life and that he wants every chance he gets with her, blahblahblah. Ok I told him in advance that I had plans with the children Saturday and he could have mija Friday night. I didn't get a call or even a text until Saturday night. Sorry, I told you I had plans. Then he calls me Monday because he got put in jail Saturday night and didn't get out until he called me. So I let him see mija but then he pulls this crap. Am I wrong, seriously?

Well I want to go to church tonight but I seriously need to put in as much time as I can during the week to make up some hours so that Saturday when I work it'll all be OT. Oh, just for my son's medicine and co-pay for the doctor I spent about $75. I need booster seats for my children so that I can pick them up Sunday. F*face threaten to keep the car seats and if he does and I show up Sunday with no car seats, he doesn't have to give me the kids. So I am seriously broke after paying off my bills and paying the co-pay and prescriptions. I don't know what to do but I am sure God is going to come up with something. In the mean time I have to ask around or look around for 2 booster seats. Stress but Im still going. I am not going to let this get me down. Right?? RIGHT!

Well the single-mother life is really hard but I am actually enjoying it. I am just worrying about me and my children. No one else's problems or crap. Just me and my children!! I mean I still think of all my friends and family but Im concerned with our needs right now and I am working hard for just us. That isn't wrong, right? Sometimes I feel like Im being selfish but then I think to myself, you and your children need you and need things right now you don't have time to think of anyone elses needs but yours. Well I love ya'll!! Gotta go!

I gave it to Him last night!!

Ok you all know me and know what I have been through! Last night I finally just broke down. I haven't cried like that in forever! I prayed with all my heart to God and told him that I give up that I am leaving everything in his hand now, I can't do it anymore. I feel asleep and woke up this morning feeling good for some odd reason but I just kept telling myself that its just going to be just like any other day, don't get your hopes up. I have been stressing this whole time on how I was going to pay my car note, daycare, rent and get enough money to pay my grandmother at least some of the money that I owe her, and all that had to be done on this check. Well I got to work and pulled up the internet to go ahead and send off my bills and GUESS WHAT!!! I actually got my income tax check!! Just to remind you, I owe on a school loan I haven't paid on in at least a year and I owe Child Support so I thought the gov. was going to keep my check. My monthly car note, my grandmother/rent and my son's childcare is paid!!! I even bought a crib for the baby, Amelia a lady here that I work with sold hers to me for $25! How could I pass that up!!! I don't have to worry about gas or food for the next two weeks!! Now for those who don't believe that God won't take care of you, I have just proved you wrong TODAY!!

God works when you let him work in your life! I was too busy trying to do it on my own, with no help, thinking I was "alone"! I was never alone, I never let God help me, I didn't let him show me that this was something he could take care of for me!

Now I don't mean to offend anyone that has helped me! Some of ya'll would surprise me with things that were just for me and gave me rides when I was in need, was that shoulder I was able to cry on, that ear that was always ready to listen. I appreciate ya'll sooooo much! I wish ya'll knew how much ya'll mean to me and how good it felt when you didn't hesitate one bit to lend a helping hand! But being as hard headed as I am, I kept in my mind that I had to do it on my own, I didn't want to bother ya'll with my needs. I love ya'll so much and hope that if you have any problems or troubles or situations that you feel that you are alone in, please stop and see God is always there for you! Just as your friends here are but God wants to be the One that helps you, he wants to be your friend.

I LOVE YA'LL!!! KEEP YOUR HEAD UP I know I will from now on!!

Is it just me or am I the only one....

Well everyone I know is married, has a lover or has someone they can spend time with this Valentines!! Even if its just a sweet phone call to say "I love you" or "I miss you" and really mean it. Am I the only one that is going to be "lonely"?? What I mean by lonely is not having that "special someone" with you. At least I will have my children this Valentines day and hopefully I have my income tax and maybe I can take them to the movies or at least out to a nice family restaurant or maybe go buy them a Disney movie that we can watch at home and I order pizza and just spend time with them. You know. Cross your fingers that my income tax comes in!!

A*hoe told me (of course its bullshit) that he planned on growing old with me and watching our children grow up together. I looked at him and laughed! I couldn't help it! If he really thought like that or really meant that he wouldn't have been with her Again, he was just with her Sunday!! I guess he thinks the more he just tells me this stuff I will eventually cave in and be with him. I meant it when I said I was done with him. If he can't prove it to me and stand up and be a man and keep his word then there isn't shit I need to talk to him about, only about Serina and Alayna. THAT'S IT!! I don't want him to call me anymore I don't want him to keep playing games with me. I have a family I am trying to bust my ass off for to get them what little I can!! I don't have time to wait for him to finally straighten up and step up! My children need me now, they need him now, not just when he is done with his partying and drinking! But of course that's toooooo much to ask, he has so many bills that he needs to pay off. And I told him "Oh poor you, EVERYONE HAS THEM YOU DUMBASS, that's no excuse to fuck off and fuck some 304". For some odd reason he got upset? HAHAHA

Enough about, I am so tired!! I went to the doctor yesterday and I lost another pound. Not good. So I have to go back tomorrow and get a sono done to make sure she is healthy and growing right. I am 32 wks and 5 days along already and my doc thinks maybe she might just want to come into the world alot sooner. So we're thinking anywhere from march 1st till the 25th. But the sono will tell us more. I think she's healthy, with the way she is kicking the hell out of my ribs, organs and ** areas, trust me she is fine! hahaha I have nothing for her yet, I have to go get a crib, car seat, ect. A*hoe said he is working on getting that for me? Yea right, what he is going to do is get that stuff and it'll all be at his house, I already know, so I am getting my stuff for my house for my baby girl! I can't depend on him. Anywho, Alayna is going to be georgous and healthy. I can't wait to see her and actually met her!! I hope my friends show up to the hospital, they have been the only real ones there for me. My family has issues, I know my dad and my sister, my brother, my uncle and aunt will be there but I would really love my friends there! Hint, Hint!

I know this is a place where I can let out everything, my thoughts, my feelings, my anger, ect... but I hate the way I feel. I use to be soo happy and cheerful and outgoing! Now its like "Guess what drama I had today" I hate it! I feel like crying all the time, alone, stupid and ugly!! I use to have problems (of course everyone does) but I wouldn't let it get me down, I would just overcome it and say "fuck it, Im going to live my life" How do I get back to that?!?! Well that's it for now, Im done complaining ;)

Don't read on a full tummy!

For those of you who were worried about me. Im OK.... well not really but Im still kicking and breathing. I had to take mija to the ER Saturday night and she had a little surgery done on her butt! hahaha Its not funny but I tell her "Does momma's little booty hurt" and she'll smile at me and say "Yeeeeeees" and start laughing. *Sorry mommy moment* It was something like a boil and they had to cut it open and get all the puss and blood out and then they stuffed it with thin strips of bandages. My baby was in pain the whole time I had her. It hurt me to see her cry everytime I had to change her bandages but it had to be done. She is getting use to the fact she has a bo-bo on her booty but she is a child and sometime forgets that and she hurts herself. Then I practically cursed the doctor out because I had to "rush her to the ER" again because the bandages that the doctors stuffed in her, she pulled out and it started leaking and I called and they told me to bring her down there and they would have to restuff the wound. So I did and we didn't see a doctor until 11 something and all that waiting we did just to hear him say "Oh just take her a warm bath 3 times a day and make sure it is completely dry before rebandaging it" . OOOOOOO boy that doctor regretted telling me that. I went OFF!! "Why did you have me come down here and waste my time!! I called before I came and you told me to bring her in for surgery and now you want me to walk away and be ok with your answer!!! Im tired, pregnant, I havent slept since Saturday!!" Then he pisses me off even more when he told me "At least she didnt' need surgery again!!" and walked off!! You ASSHOE!!! Im thankful too but damn it I was tired and shouldn't have had to drive down there!! Am I wrong for feeling like that??


Alex has this weird idea that "Im still his girl" and I have to remind him that Im not. Everytime he calls me "Babe" I ignore him or I'll tell him not to call me that. Now he wrecked the Fucking Cadillac and it may be a total loss!! The damn car is on my Insurance!!! Now I have to deal with my premiums going up or hell the insurance just may cancel my policy!! What The Fuck!!! I knew I should have removed his car I knew it!! Too late now!!! Now is he really trying to kiss my butt and talk sweet to me and Im not trying to hear it!! I don't want to hear it!! Now matter how much I want to believe him, Im not going to do it!! Im not!! Im tired, I am really really tired! I was the one that sat with our little girl in the hospital the WHOLE time! He showed up at 3 in the morning Sunday just as they were getting ready to do the surgery and he stayed till the end. But that was it!! I was the one who took care of her I was the one who rushed her back to the ER I was the one who had to patiently deal with her cries when I had to change her bandages!! I DID IT! Where the fuck was he?? Hell Who Knows!!

Im too sleepy to write anymore right now... and I am still at work at 5:20, since I missed yesterday to catch up on sleep I am trying not to use my Vac or Sick time so I am busting my ass making up the hours.