My prayer

Lord,

I know I have come to you over and over again for my mistakes. I don't question why things happen to me because I know why, its the consequences of my actions and it also keeps me humble to you. Lord with the current situation that I was just faced with Saturday just has me thinking of everything that I care most for.
-You Lord
-my children
-my family
-Alex
-his family
-my friends (even those I haven't talked to in years)
-my past loves
-my future
-my dreams
-my blessings
-my regrets
-my everything
Lord I pray through Jesus Christ that you help me with this situation. Keep those who will be of help to me, and an inspiration to me close. I need them, Lord, more than ever right now. I will keep my head up and face this as strong as I can. I won't deny that I am scared but I have you in my heart and by my side. I know if I die today that I am going to be with you in Heaven, I have no doubt about that. I know I haven't been a perfect example for you and I continue to sin, but I know you love me just the way I am. You know my heart, Lord. I pray for forgiveness for the past and future sin that I know I will commit. Lord be with my children, continue to bless them and keep them safe when I am not able to watch them and protect them. I know they know I love them and I know they will remember that. Lord be with my family, Alex and his family, my friends and their family and future family that may be planned for them. Help them to become close to you and to see that You are the only way they'll have peace. Lord I am out of words right now but I TRUST ONLY YOU will keep me sane. I pray for patience and strength to keep going.

I pray this through Jesus Christ AMEN

Confused? Sure I am!!

Ok this is Fidel and Serina being silly right before we went to bed and they were eating icecream (reason why they are in their pajamas)! I love them so much!!

Ok then... *motherly moment* ;)

Well everyone should know the situation with Alex... Well he has been making attempts to go to church with me and still is treating me like a princess. Heck I can go out with my friends and won't hear a bitchin' from him!! Woooh big surprise. Last night, as we were driving home from church I asked him "Am I making you go to church?" and he said "No, I go to church for you and you are my motivation" Woooow talk about a whole new Alex I haven't seen before! But I am still enjoying the fact that I am single and for him (for a change) to really show me that he wants to be with me!! But, hey, time will tell. I still love him and wish that what he is saying and showing me is really true. Should I let him in or keep him out a little longer? Confused, Fuck yea I am!

GET BETTER LISE!!!

Need to update.... Its not true!!

Ok, it was fun and all and I enjoyed the short, fun, fake engagement but UNFORTUNATELY I hate to break it to ya'll but its not true... Me and Jamal are not getting married.
ONE DAY?!?! hahaha J/K

Well now that's off my chest... I had a great weekend with my children!! I got drunk (children with family spending quality time) Friday watching the game! Damn Mavs! Great game though... then Sat my brother GRADUATED!! Thank God!! I went and bought beer everyone got drunk, except me... watched boxing and had a great time...

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED

Ok now Jamal let it out of the bag.... He asked me to marry him yesterday and I said yes... ok write more later!!!

WHAT A WEEKEND!

Now Saturday was the Mother's Day Bar-b-que we had at my house,I had so much fun until about 9 when I got a call from my ex telling me my son was in the hospital again!! Why is it that my children are always sick or injuried when they are with him?!?! But of course the courts don't see that!! Well I guess I can only take it one day at a time and hopefully things will go great 06/05/06 at the pre-trial. PLEASE PRAY FOR THE BEST INTEREST OF MY CHILDREN!! Im leaving it in God's hands whether he intends for my children to be with me or not. He's knows what's best so I will leave it up to him. But prayers will also help too ;)

Well Sunday, wasn't too good until I picked up my children! I felt lonely and Alex took Alayna to his mothers house. So I was alone until 6pm then when I went to go pick up Alayna and Alex proposed to me!! That just blew me away!! I didn't expect that! He asked me what he needed to do to prove to me that he really wanted to be with me and only me! I told him I didn't know and that I don't want to be with anyone. Thats when he asked me "Baby Marry Me?... I want to be with you and only you. I want us to raise our children together...." I still told him no but I feel really bad because I really do believe him but I am scared you know...

Ok... Well I have to go.... Oh and no one called me for Mother's Day which I felt really bad about too. My dad finally called me about 6pm and that was really it and Alex didn't tell me until I talked him when I picked up Alayna... Am I a bad mother??

Dumb Ass!

Ok I feel like a Dumb Ass!! Lisa practially did everything for me! All I did was read her directions and copy and paste!!

Thanks Lise!

Well I have been in the same situation as Lise for the past year or so with Alex. Actually I think I have it worse, you know it involves kids and all. Alex cried again when I told him to seriously accept the fact that I am not with him. Everytime I "leave" him he would call his daughter and I would talk to her and he knew she is my weakness. Well guess what! He tried that just a couple of minutes ago! I love that girl to death!! Sometimes I just really want to adopt her and become her mother, you know. Her mother hasn't been in her life or even attempted in at least 2 1/2 years. I have been there for her, buying her what she needs and taking her out and spending time with her just like if she were my own! Well heck I had two of her sisters how much closer can I be?!?! Am I really wrong for feeling this way about her? I really do consider her as one of my daughters I Love her soo much that I do see her as my daughter. And Im scared that once Alex realizes that I am not going to be with him that I won't see or talk to her as often or may never again. Should I suck it up and deal with it or should I just let go and if it comes down to it just forget about her? WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR ME?? I don't want anyone to try and take my place with Natalie(Alex's daughter)!

Well I am busy... LATER!!

HELP!!

Can someone help me?!?! I dont know how to set up the friends list and stuff!! You know where I can just click on ya'll names and go directly to your page! HELP!! I want Stacie, Lisa, Ash and Jamals set up but I don't know how to do it!!



HELP!!


and again HELP! hahaha I feel really goofy today, I think its because I need sleep!

:)

Alex really has been treating me alot better actually pretty good. I just can't get over how bad he had been to me (the cheating, cursing at me, disrepecting me, ect.). I told him today that I just can't be with him and he looked really heart broken. We had this talk on Sunday night but Monday morning we "still together" you know. But this time I told him that I was being serious. I feel bad because he really has been trying hard to prove to me that he wants to be with me and I just drop him, you know? But I just can't handle being with anyone right now. I went through too much for him and I just don't feel like it was worth it. *HOLD ON!! IT WAS I GOT ALAYNA OUT OF IT* I wouldn't trade her for the world. But you know what I mean! ;)

Well my son went to the Science Place Tuesday with his school and I hoping for him to come home and have a long exciting story that may have started like this "Momma, we went on a field trip and we played...." but all I got was : Me: "How was your field trip, baby?" My son: "Yea we went on a field trip" ... long pause... Me: "Did you have fun, honey?" My son: "Yea" WHERE'S THE EXCITEMENT?!?!?! He went on a field trip last week to the Ghetto Dallas Zoo....hahahaha .... and on my gosh he still talks about it till this day!! "mommy I saw a giraffe" "mommy I saw a tiger and a monkey, ect" And I was sooo excited to see what happened at the Science Place and all I got was a YEA. :<

Serina is soooo like Alex. She'll tell me "Momma, you're Cinderella and Im Pricess" hahaha and I have nooooo idea where she got this from but she'll tell me "Seeexxy momma" haha... then out of the blue she says "Momma you're pretty" oh oh oh and then we'll go "Nena you're so pretty" and she says "Thank you momma" then I'll say "Nena why are you so pretty" and she says "Because of momma" hahaha

IS THERE A SUCH THING AS LOVING YOUR CHILDREN TOO MUCH??? I hate it when they are gone!!

Can I say.... Oooops!

Ok I didn't think I was going to offend anyone with my blog but apparently I did. I wasn't mad or pissed off at anyone just a little disappointed. I never said I hated anyone or didn't want to speak to you again. I was just letting my feelings be known. Thats all!

Well I am really excited for this weekend, I have a Mother's Day bar-b-que at my house Saturday then I am going to Jamal's PARTY!!! GET CRUNK!!! Crystal is gonna shake her thang!!! This time I don't have a big-belly to bounce around!! Hahahaha!!

Well that's all for now... Till next time!

Continued.....

Ok about my post earlier, I did feel really really bad that no one came out to see me or the baby but had enough time to go out or get laid but at the same time I shouldn't expect everyone to stop or change their plans because I went out and got pregnant. I still love ya'll and would do anything for ya'll but I'm guessing is that post-partum depression-crap-thing that pregnant women get when they feel like everyone forgets or doesn't care about them or the baby or that Im on the monthly shit. I know ya'll may think about me and "wanted" to see us but just didn't (you know). I don't know. But I do appreciate the thoughts and prayers ya'll do for me(us).

Well things have been going great for me lately. Alex is making his way back into my life and knows that I will never forget or may never forgive him for how he treated me but he has been there for me. He has dumped that Judy chick for good and I know that for a fact, he's there for the girls and my son and when I ask for something he doesn' hesitate or question it, its like he is the same guy that I first fell for. Sometimes when I get mad and I remind him that I hate him for everything he did to me, he doesn't argue but he tries to hold me and tell me how sorry he is and how he is trying to do everything to try and make it up to me. Im not with him right now but he sure is making it hard for me to stay away from him. He knows I am scared of him hurting me again and I am just glad he isn't rushing me to be with him or to "give-in" to him.

Its me for those who forgot!

Well I don't know if its because of the fact that I had so many false alarms that no one cared when she finally came around. Alot of people said they were going to come see me at the hospital or when I got out. I was out on leave for at least 7 weeks and most people didn't bother to even call or said "I'll come see you and the baby this weekend" then no call?? Well I know it may sound selfish of me but I guess I just really wanted to show off my baby to the world but the world just wouldn't come to me. Well ya'll missed out because she is one BEAUTIFUL baby!! Oh by the way its that time of the month and I feel like shit!

My Alayna was 6lbs 4oz and 18 1/2 in long and was born at 4:13 am. She is sooo georgeous her eyes havent changed color so we are thinking she has greyish blue eyes which Alex's grandfather had. She is sooo chunky now I think she is over 9lbs already! Fidel and Serina and Natalie are sooo in love with her I can't keep them from kissing or trying to hold her! It makes me feel sooo good to know they are not jealous of her and that they love her sooo much! They talk to her, sing to her and even try to play with her. I will try to get on my dad's computer this weekend and get some pics of all my babies downloaded.

Well I am really really busy here at work so I will update later later!