Not gonna freak out

Ok so I called the Parole Board just now and I questioned it and they said "we don't see anything like that in our system only that he will not get another parole hearing till Dec"

So he is either still tryna keep me around by saying "hey Im getting out in March" OR that guy that went over his denial papers really did tell him that. 

When I found out that he could be released all that was going through my head was all the "harassment" and him forcing himself to be with me like he had always done.  He wrote in one of his letters that if I were to leave him that he would make my life a living hell, like I know he really can and that he would be worse than my ex-husband.  Which he had already accomplished that and I never thought anyone ever could.  I know he can make my life hell, he knows way too many people that don't care (if you know what I mean) and I know I will not deal with it and if it comes down to it I will call 911 but damn it why do I have to always be with the psycho ones!  Im tired of drama, Im tired of worrying about everything.  So I will not freak out and if he gets out just keep on going and if he wants to go crazy fine, he'll do it back in jail.  I am done, I am ready to move on!

Why is he still trying to control me IN JAIL!?!?!?!  I told him I would not go this weekend to see him mainly cause I don't have the money and I told him I am tired of it... SOOOOOOOOO he decides to write his momma, hmmm, and tell her I AM going and to let me have Natalie so he can see her and he is going to send me money!?  Umm if you have that much money you shoulda been sending me something every chance you got!  Why send me money so I can see you?  What about the time I had very close to nothing for food, why didnt I get some then?  Arrrrrrrrrrrrrg!

What's wrong with me?

No no not like Im crazy or anything. But I went to see Alex on Saturday and its like wow, I see myself different. His words didnt get to me, I was honest with him. I saw he was hurt but I am not putting him down or being a b*tch to him, but everytime he asked me "please believe me, I only want you, I promise you, etc" I would tell him no, I wont. He told me he understood why I feel the way I do and why I will not let him live in my home, he hated saying that but he admitted he did it to himself. I was almost like, I dont have feelings for him anymore. It may be because Im living my life now, Im having fun, Im taking care of my kids by myself and I know I dont need him. Who knows. But I know when he gets out things will get hard for me. I know how I am, I want to help him better himself and I will end up bending over backwards to help him. Whether we are together or not, my children will need him so I feel I need to do my part to help him get there. He'll see that as us being together and make it more than I want it to be. He was denied parole BUT the parole guy came to talk to him about it and he told Alex that once he is done with his classes in March he will be released! Darn it I am not ready! So I may have to face him sooner than I planned,

He was denied!

He was denied Parole on Jan 7th!  Is that a sign?

He doesn't understand *not surprised*

I got a letter from Alex yesterday and he was telling me to not to leave him to give him one more chance and how he knows he doesn't deserve it, I was too good to him and that he knows that if I give him this one last chance that I would never regret it.  Then he goes and says "I was expecting this, I knew I was going to go through this again and I saw you drifting away already, blahblahblah"  Hmmmm, kinda pissed me off?  YEP!  WTHeck?  Have I not been writing him almost everyday?!  Going to see him almost every weekend?!?  Writing a letter to the Parole Board?!?  I have always told him from the beginning "I am here for you, I am here to support you! If were are not together when you get out, I just hope you change for yourself and for these kids depending on you"

He knew we were done when he went in!  He knew I felt like he didn't love ME before he went in!  I mean come on!  You think I am going to sit here and put these fantasies in my head that when he gets out we are going to be the perfect family?  NO!  I refuse to let myself fall for words! 

I didn't sleep last night (can you tell?)  A couple that lives above me were fighting and arguing and it sounded like they were right next to my bed *sigh*  then I heard him hitting her and fall to the floor and the kid(s) crying and screaming and I reminded me that that use to be me!  Many of you know that he was physical with me!  I had bruises, scratches and marks on my neck to prove it!  And if you didn't, now you know.  And I was thinking of that woman upstairs and feeling the pain, hurt and how scared she must of felt!  I had to call the cops, I couldn't just lay there listening.  By the time the cops got there the couple had just left together!  *Flash back*  What the heck was I thinking?!?!  Why did I allow myself to be treated that way?!  Why did I let him do that to me?! WHY?

Does he not understand all the things he put me through?!  Granted me taking him back over and over and over and over again didn't help, so part of me feels like I deserved it.  But all the cheating, lies, hurt, pain and every abuse you can think of.......  and I am suppose to let it all go? 

Because of that relationship, I am scared of being in another relationship.  Heck I doubt myself all the time.  I don't see myself the way some people tell me they see me.  I don't see "beauty", I don't see anything that could be possibly good about me.  Granted I think I have a funny personality but I think it helps me hide everything I feel about me.  I know I am not the only one that does that.  Putting on a smile and making everyone else laugh makes me feel good.

And I think about this whole thing, and I should have left him a long time ago.  My children deserved better, they don't need to think that that's a normal relationship.  I want my son to know how to respect women and how to take care of them physically and emotionally. I want my girls to learn how a man is suppose to treat them, love them and care for them and to show them how to treat a man right. How there is suppose to be that balance for them to depend on each other but to still be independent

oh yea

Sunday was a BUSY BUSY day for me, I have to drop off my sister's kids, go see my brother, go visit my cousin in the hospital she just had her 3rd kid, THEN come home put up groceries, Lisa came over to eat EVERYTHING I had, kidding kidding! hahaa  Then left on a road-trip looking for a Marshall's and decided to stop by Walmart to pick up something I had ordered and on the way back to my car I was joking around saying I couldn't find the key to my car and she snapped at me "you better be playing" and I said "I am just playing" so we finally make it to my car and YEA I really did lose my key so we had to retrace our steps all through Walmart only to end up back at the front at Customer Service and someone had turned in my key! LMBO

I went to a friends place last night with my baby and had some nachos!  It was really good!  My baby of course was just running in circles... lots of space to run around in! hahaha  It was nice, lately I haven't been in the mood to stay home.  I made up reasons to get out this weekend.  And I think I finally know why.  Well I think its me coming home alone, ya know. 

And I know, I am still not ready for a relationship or anything.  Its just I didn't have anyone to talk to or I could relate to ya know.  My baby isn't talking yet and I can't really have a conversation with her! hahaha  Even if I could, I don't need her knowing her mommy is crazy! hahaha

I think about Alex getting out all the time.  He told me at visit that if I don't let go of the past then we'll never work.  But I don't want to let go, its what keeping me strong and I think I am just protecting myself.  I don't even know if I want to be with him.  Why does he deserve ANOTHER chance?  He even said it himself, after Mothers Day (by the way I spent alone unpacking my stuff in MY apartment and eating baloney sandwiches with my baby while he was out eating with HIS mother and going to a bar-b-que because "I wasn't his mother and mother's day is for HIS mother")  he knew and saw the change in me.  I didn't not put up with anything anymore, I didn't care what he said or what he did, I started doing my own thing and I wouldn't 'get his permission' anymore, after all I am 'only his babymomma and not his wife'.  He knew we were done but he didn't want to let go.  He said that he refused to believe that I was done with him.  Now he is locked up and I have been his only supporter and NOW Im his everything.  I told him that I don't believe anything, he wants me to let go of 3 years of pain so that we would work it out!  Why?  Even if he has changed, why does he deserve me again?  I gave him everything, I was ALWAYS by his side, trying to help him better himself and see what his children need from him.   The main reason why I have supported him while he is in jail is because I need him to be a man and see how his children need him.  I am not out to hurt him but whether we are together or not, he needs to be the man his children need!

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Ok this sucks! Im sending this directly from my phone! Jan 12, 2008!

I'm lame I know!

I went to talk to Alex and ummm yea he is going to move back to his mothers when he gets out but he is begging me to reconsider!  (I'm not saying begging as in kissing my butt)  He was asking me to reconsider and telling me how much he realizes he needs me and the kids in his life and with him at his mom's he couldn't show me how much he loves me or would be able to help me when I need him.  Sometimes I feel like I really do believe him but why does he have to "maybe" change in jail!?

So I have a feeling when we find out if and when he gets parole I may have a change of heart.  I even used a example of "well if you move in with me, your mother wouldn't approve or support that cause we are not married and we would be living together and no one will force me to get married"  and he told me "so what I don't care about what my mother says or thinks, its about you!"  WOW!  Not really what I was aiming or planning for but all I want from him is to take care of his family not push his mother, etc away just ... heck I don't know how to explain it.  But for those who know me knows what I mean.  Family is important to me but my children are MY family and their needs and wants come first! 

Well, I'm enjoying being single and able to do what I want, when I want, and be with who I want!  Since he's been gone I am able to be with my friends more, spend more time with MY side of the family and I have less stress and a lot more confidence in myself.  Granted my self-esteem is low but the confidence in I CAN DO IT ON MY OWN has been 100%!  I love it and I enjoy myself more!

I am looking forward to V-day now!  It seems like its going to be the best one I've ever had!  Good friend, good food and about us!  We don't need a "significant other", we are just going to enjoy company, laughs and food! 

Guilt maybe?

I am going to see Alex today and my mind it totally blank!  I had it all set on how I was going to tell him.  I got a letter from him yesterday and I guess I was reading it, taking in all the words he was writting to me and its like WOW he knows me!  He knows how I think, he knows what I will say to his responses and he answers me!  (get it?)  But the crazy thing is I dont know him!  How could I have spent about 3 years with him and not know his thoughts, his anything?  Who was I in love with?  Was it really love or just the feeling of having someone there?

Now the more I think about it, am I still around cause I feel guilty for telling him that I would be here for him, waiting for him and do anything I can to help him?  Cause if I leave him now I am going back on what I told him.  Granted he has done it to me PLENTY of times, but that's not me!  I always follow through, I dont make promises and not keep them unless something prevents me from possibly doing so.

I have prayed on it and the more I do the less I feel for him.  I dont know if that's God's way of letting me know he's not the one or I am doing it to myself cause its easier on me.  I know Im confused but all I know is that I do not want him living with me when he gets out, THAT I am not confused about.  Its the fact if I am wasting my time! 

I want to met a man that is into church, loves ME, loves my children, my children love him and I can depend on him and him on me!   I am not going to run out and go looking cause I know whether I am with Alex or not I am not ready for a relationship. I have to work on me first.  I have a lot of hurt and self-esteem 'issues' I need to work on.  I have a lot of things I need to take care of first with my children.  And maybe when the time is right and when the Lord knows Im ready, he'll come to me.  Cause Im sure God knows how hard-headed I am and I will not go to 'him' hahaha

Im not ready

I know how much Alex will hate this but you know what he has not proven ANYTHING to me and I just cant let myself open up my home to him when he gets out.  Ive worked too hard for what I have without his or his families help!  I was literally driving myself crazy thinking of him coming out and moving in with me and me going through the same thing I went through and having to go through the trouble/drama of kicking him out, if that were to happen.

So since his family is SOOO supportive of him, he will move in with them and get a job and prove to me that THIS family is what he really wants to take care of and provide for. 

Im not ready for him or any other man right now.  I know its sad but I can't see myself possibly going through everything I've been through with him or my ex-husband.  Going through physical, mental and emotional abuse can tear any woman down!  But we can turn that around and make us stronger and smarter so that when we are ready to move on and give our all, we'll be ready and know what we want!

What made me make this decision is my children, they have gone through heck and back with me and they deserve the best, they deserve to be settled down and they deserve this! 

With that said, I did not go see Alex last weekend and possibly will go this weekend to let him know that he needs to make other arragements for when he gets out.  I haven't written him for a while, I can't bring myself to write him anymore.  I feel like I have been lying to myself since he went to jail thinking 'well being taken away from someone who had stood by his side, who accepted him for who he was and who tried to hard to make him see how a family should be would and may have actually changed him'  But you know what, its his turn to show me and to prove to me "why should I be with you?"

Its early, I KNOW

But everytime I go to the grocery store or the mall (dollar store) Valentine stuff is everywhere!  I dread this day coming, I know its a made-up 'holiday' and all but its grown for some people to actually share it with someone they care about.  Well for me Alex is locked up but we've never spent Valentines or heck any holiday for that matter together.  The only Valentines that I had really someone was when I was married and I was ready to leave him.  He bought me 2 dozen roses and took me to dinner, but also did the same for his mother so it didnt feel special to me, and that's when it hit me, I left him on the 16th. 

I would love to share that day with someone.  Granted I have plans for my children but Im talking about for me!  I get my girls carnations and my son a teddy bear for Valentines but can a mother get some attention?  haha  I remember last Valentines Alex got me a dozen roses, $200 and some perfume but then left!  What the heck?!?!  I would have traded all that for his time! 

So now Im trying to get some singles together and do something!  Movie or dinner or even a blockbuster night, ANYTHING!! hahaha 

Melania Sophia Brannon

 

 

 

This is my niece!  She was born at 2:29am today!!!!  She so cute she looks just like my brother!  She was 6lbs and 11oz. 

When I see her picture, I get so happy and sad at the same time!  My brother missed out on her birth, his first child but I believe he's changed and will not make the same mistakes as he has done and when he comes out he will the best father he can be to her!  I fell in love with her and I havent even met her yet!  Tia (me) has a new addition and is ready to spoil her and give her back! LOL

Saturday!!!!

Ok I couldn't come up with a title but whatever this works! hahaha 

So Saturday, Lisa and Amy came over before we headed out to the company party and Lisa decided to get her car "washed" before we went...  WELL that's when I found out after touching Amy's tummy when she first walked in the door telling her "wow you look good" and she had a weird expression on her face like "ooook?"  so I ignored it and kept getting ready! hahaha  WEEEEEEEEEELL, while Lisa was paying for her car wash, I turned around and asked her "So who is watching your baby?" and she looked me and said "I have no kids, I have a puppy?" yea it turns out that I thought Amy was Tiffany and yea I was so freakin embarrassed!!!!  ANYWAYS that was not the end of my embarrassment! hahaha 

At the party we are having a great time WITHOUT the ATX's help... and I had about 3 drinks, 1 glass of wine which I KNOW kicks my butt every time! So M2 decides to take me on the dance floor to dance Salsa...  BAD BAD BAD idea! hahaha  I couldn't do a damn thing, so he finally gave me up for Staci!  THAT BUTT! hahaha  But whatever, we finally decide to head out.  We went to nine7two, and finished the night dancing and had a great time.   We had a great group and had a blast.  Lisa was kickin it and dancing while sitting down....  a couple of times we would do the "Lisa" while we were sitting down tryna catch a break!  Ya'll know what I'm talking about! LOL

THEN we headed back to my apartment and on the way we had a couple of "mishaps" that I will not post unless I get permission and so our night ended about 330 or 4!

I have great friends and had a blast on Saturday!!!!

Thanks to a friend

I can finally update!  LOL 

Well, since my trial me and my kids have struggled and got through hard times but all that is paying off!  With all the wonderful friends in my life my children had a wonderful Christmas.  I havent had my kids the past 3 Christmas(s) due to all the court and custody changes we were going through and I was really feeling bad cause I couldnt get my kids really anything.  But thankfully my friends and family pulled through for us and we had a Christmas tree, decorations including stockings donated to us and they had plenty of present!    I also recieved gifts and I was blown away and so happy!

THANK YOU!!!!

The Lord has continued to bless me and my children in many ways that I would've never believed!!  My children are happy, I am happy.

My brother release date is April 18th. Thank the Lord.  His first child is due any day now and she is having contractions and ready to burst.  He's sad but he understands that he did it to himself and his family.  He is ready to get out, hold his first baby and be the man his new family needs!

Alex still hasnt gotten a answer on his parole yet.  I have mixed feelings on him getting out.  He really wants to be with me and the kids and says he's ready to be the man WE need him to be, put our needs first and attend every Sunday service with US.  But Im scared for many reasons:

1) Ive been through this TALK with him before
2) I want to give him that chance but is it going to be worth it
3) if I dont give him this chance will I regret it?
4) if I do move on, who will want a working 50+ hrs a week mother of 3?
5) will I be alone forever and never find the man that will love me and respect my children?

I need and want feed back on this.  With everything that I have been through, me doing everything on my own without a man, I have grown to be a independent, strong mother!  So I know I can do this with out him and with me keeping my Lord first I will be alright but I just wonder what everyone else thinks ya know.

Do you believe taken away from your family and knowing what you had is there supporting you, would change a person?

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